Gagging for a pluck

Dr Tony Heart of Shotfield Medical Centre returns to answer your questions about health and intimacy.

"Dr Tony,

I am looking to spice up my sex life but I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know the difference between erotic and kinky."

S. M. Forresters Drive.

Dr Tony says,

"The best way to describe the difference is that erotic is 'using a feather' whereas kinky is 'using the whole chicken'.

Have fun!"

> You can e-mail your questions to Dr Heart c/o the Roundshaw Recorder.

Windy city

Hurricane Noddy finally hit local areas around 22:00, this evening. The category three storm battered Waddon in particular whilst Roundshaw also found itself in the storm's path. The area is estimated to have suffered almost £500,000 worth of improvements.

Early reports suggest there were no fatalities or serious injuries but two men stranded at a bus stop have been treated for chapped lips.

Le education

Students at Forresters Primary School made international headlines this week after discovering that the French tricolour is made using velcro.

Head of year, Mr English, revealed that this was because the red and blue sections of the flag can be removed quickly during times of war.

Silver screen comes to the NHS

Staff at Mellows Park Hospital were star-struck this week following a visit by Hollywood legend, Joan Collins.

The actress was attending the birth of her next husband.

In the Rix

In sport, former Roundshaw Town boss and newly appointed Hearts manager, Graham Rix, is celebrating his new job with a short holiday during the international break.

He's going to Tampa with the kids.

Shanks for the memories

The entertainment world was mourning this week after local tapdancer Lionel Floss died rehearsing at his home at The Mead.

Floss suffered a fatal blow after slipping and falling into the sink.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake

More to follow...

No shaggy dog story

A Waddon man was this week considering issuing a writ against internet auction site, e-Bay.

Dog loving Mr Collier, of Kennel Close, had his heart set on purchasing a Shih Tzu. However, to his horror, he received the deeds to a derelict zoo with no animals. An e-Bay spokesman put the situation down to translation difficulties between Mr Collier and the un-named Japanese seller.

Free dryer - first come, first served (classifieds)

Following extensive modernisation of our laundry facilities, we have an industry sized tumble dryer that we would like to pass on.

Enquiries to Sister Matic, Saint Madonna's Convent, Stafford Road.

Plug pulled on Psychics

The Waddon Clairvoyant's Association have announced that the annual conference scheduled for Sunday 13 November 2005 has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.