Hook me up

Controversial Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, is making a two-week return to Britain this Christmas in order to reprise his role as the nation's favourite pantomime villain.

The Egyptian will be starring as Captain Hook in 'Peter Pan' at the Fairfield Halls, from 23 December 2005 to 7 January 2006.

Hamza's has previous acting experience. He played Rifki in the Oscar-winning film, 'Midnight Express'.

NHS juicy bits

A spokesman for Mellows Park Hospital has announced that due to a mix up in Urology, orange juice will not be on the hospital menu until Friday, at the earliest.

Confusion charge

Part of the Stevie Nicks Centre on Mollison Drive was closed off this morning after a suspect device was found on a car.

Police later identified it as a tax disc.

With or without you

Chinese U2 tribute band, 2U, are coming to Roundshaw!

'City of Brinding Rights' will be performed on Saturday 3 December 2005 at Roundshaw Open Space.

Tickets from £8.

Music to your ears

Customs Officers at Waddon International Airport have intercepted a cargo of counterfeit mp3 players imported from Africa.

A source said the equipment was being sold by a Togoan gang and consumers were unable to distinguish between the bootleg player and Apple's genuine iPod.

Down the pan

The Roundshaw Recorder can exclusively reveal that the toilet from Stafford Road Police Station has been stolen.

At present, detectives have nothing to go on.

Gagging for a pluck

Dr Tony Heart of Shotfield Medical Centre returns to answer your questions about health and intimacy.

"Dr Tony,

I am looking to spice up my sex life but I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know the difference between erotic and kinky."

S. M. Forresters Drive.

Dr Tony says,

"The best way to describe the difference is that erotic is 'using a feather' whereas kinky is 'using the whole chicken'.

Have fun!"

> You can e-mail your questions to Dr Heart c/o the Roundshaw Recorder.

Windy city

Hurricane Noddy finally hit local areas around 22:00, this evening. The category three storm battered Waddon in particular whilst Roundshaw also found itself in the storm's path. The area is estimated to have suffered almost £500,000 worth of improvements.

Early reports suggest there were no fatalities or serious injuries but two men stranded at a bus stop have been treated for chapped lips.

Le education

Students at Forresters Primary School made international headlines this week after discovering that the French tricolour is made using velcro.

Head of year, Mr English, revealed that this was because the red and blue sections of the flag can be removed quickly during times of war.

Silver screen comes to the NHS

Staff at Mellows Park Hospital were star-struck this week following a visit by Hollywood legend, Joan Collins.

The actress was attending the birth of her next husband.